Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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