It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
