Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
