she looked like the before picture.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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