Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
false alarm, still single
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
