I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize