If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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