he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
