I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
