The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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