I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
