apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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