woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
