I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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