i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
