I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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