Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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