She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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