Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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