he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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