then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize