Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
