how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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