I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
