then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
