You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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