i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
