She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
