Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
