Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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