I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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