wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
