I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
