phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
