We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
