What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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