how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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