What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
