Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
