I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
