If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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