season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
