You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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