i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
