mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
