i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
