i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
