Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
