textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
These tits shall not be calmed
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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