Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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