I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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