Betty ford says i'm here all night
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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