she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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