first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
