Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
