Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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