they need to just BURY HIM!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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