I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
