A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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