Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
