On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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