I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
